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Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Yes, Internet, there is a Santa Claus

Santa Claus is Coming to Town -- for 34 Microseconds

After reading this new item, I'm gonna have to stick up for the fat man here. Santa obviously has some method of travel we don't know about. It's not just reindeer. The speed this article suggests is over 100 times the speed of light. The theory of relativity (which is more than just a theory, after all) doesn't allow for such speeds to exist. I don't know how this article could categorize such speeds as "supersonic" when in fact they are superluminal.

So, Santa has obviously gotten hold of some sort of teleportation device, right? Because linear travel is not possible at those speeds. Oh, but he'd still only have a second or two to get down the chimney, set out the toys, eat the cookies, and back to the sleigh? Um... Okay. Time travel, then.
Santa has built a time machine. Duh. The reindeer are not really a means of propulsion so much as a means of power. The pounding of eight reindeer's hooves is converted to energy and then stored up until Santa had the required 1.21 gigawatts of power needed to send him BACK... TO THE FUTURE! Or wherever-- make that whenever-- else he needs to go. Unless it's some sort of a time machine that can also travel relative dimensions in space... (hmm...)

Or perhaps he IS really traveling at a hyperluminal speed and he's found a way around physics. A loophole of some sort. Maybe Einstein and company are all wrong. Perhaps another draft of relativity should be undertaken. Maybe Santa's from outer space. Maybe he cloned himself. That's how he reproduces elves, isn't it? I don't know, but, dammit, he's real! I know my wife wraps the presents & we put them out together. I know I'm the one who eats the cookies & drinks the milk. I know these things. But it's hard to not believe in Santa. Screw the scientists and the naysayers. I have faith in him, so he must be real!

Okay, you got me. I give up. Maybe he's just a symbol. Maybe he helps us feel better about ourselves. Maybe he helps us treat others better this time of year, inspiring feelings of generosity and togetherness. Maybe it's just comforting to think there's someone up there-- North, I mean-- who cares about us and rewards us when we're good. And of course it's an exclusivity thing for us, too, because God, er, Santa doesn't care about or reward people other than Christians or Capitalists. We're the chosen few. Damn, it's good to be chosen. I think I'll keep the blinders on and enjoy my holiday the way I want to. After all, it's not like it's a religion or cult or anything. Who's it gonna hurt?