They don't make 'em like they used to.

I still have these book & record sets.

I went to a used music sale this weekend for the local university's radio station. Guess it was time they cleaned house. I can't even begin to tell you how many thousands of LPs, cassettes, CDs, 78s, 45s, and books of sheet music I saw there. And get this: "Fill a bag with LPs for only $5! As much as you can carry!" Oh, bliss and heaven.

So among the huge stack of LPs I purchased were a few comedy albums. Several Firesign Theater platters (whom I've never really "gotten," but I wanted to try again anyway), a George Carlin record (which includes the original "seven dirty words" bit), an old Cosby one and an older Bob Newhart one.

As a kid I loved playing records on my record player. I listened to music all the time, just like now. I didn't have enough records to satisfy my thirst, so I naturally scoped out whatever was in the house. That led me to my sister's K-Tel gems and my parents' extensive collection of country & western and sock hop tunes. And a few comedy albums. There was the payoff.

My folks had a good half dozen each of the Smothers Brothers and Bill Cosby albums. It was an easy warm-up; I had already grown up with Fat Albert, picture pages, pudding pops and Himself. There was no introduction needed to the Cos. I was already a fan. I remember being fascinated listening to those familiar Cosby speech patterns, hearing stories of ol' Weird Harold and chicken hearts and go karts. Funny stuff.

And these Smothers Brothers . . . I had to investigate them, man. Since this was decades before wikipedia, I had to do the old-fashioned thing when it comes to finding information--the oldest-fashioned thing, as a matter of fact: I had to ask someone who knew. That meant Mom. She was happy to fill me in on Tom and Dickie, sibling rivalry, "Mom always liked you best!" and folk music with a twist. I took a listen, and I was hooked. Since then I've loved the Smothers Brothers.

They don't make comedy albums today like those treasures of the '60s. They don't make comedians anymore like the ones in those albums. These albums were before my time, but give me a 40-year-old Bob Newhart LP over a brand-spankin'-new Adam Sandler CD any day of the week. That old stuff all seems more cerebral to me. Maybe it's the lack of extensive profanity; maybe it's the way the comedy speaks for itself rather than relying on gimmicks; maybe it's the fact that jokes which are stale now sound so much fresher and even funnier in the setting of their day.

That's why I love hitting garage sales, thrift stores and sales like the one this weekend. I never know where I'm going to be able to procure my next golden oldie, whether it be a Peanuts paperback from Fawcett or a Flip Wilson LP.

See you later, Emo's

Okay, so it's not media-related news, but it still matters to me.

It's that time of the year again when the neighborhood ice cream shops start closing down for the season. Tonight I bid adieu to Emo's on War Memorial Drive. Tomorrow is the last day of business this season. However, this closure is punctuated by an enormous, bold question mark. You see, the business is for sale, as well. What's going to happen to Emo's in the Spring '11 season? Tune in to find out. Hopefully Peoria will not be deprived in 2011 of Emo's legendary Coney Dogs and 24+ flavors of soft serve.

Next to close up shop: Dudley's. After those two have gone, I'll be forced to hit the local Baskin Robbins throughout the winter, because Cold Stone is garbage. :p

Incredible Shrinking iPad?

Just read an article on Bloomberg about how Apple may be preparing to unleash a newer, smaller iPad with a seven-inch screen versus the current 9.7-inch model. Anyone else see where this is going? Smaller and smaller? If they start this trend with the iPad as they did with iPod, then before you know it the iPod shuffle will be roughly the size of a toothpick and the iPad will end up about the same size as the 5th gen iPod video.

I don't get it. Can smaller even be better when dealing with something like the iPad? Isn't part of its appeal the fact that you can actually see movies and text on it? Why make them harder to see by shrinking the damn screen? Oh, Apple, how you confound me sometimes. But I could gripe about them more later. And I will. Yes, iWill.

Videos video videos

Sorry. No groin shots or pranks. Nothing in danger of going viral or being featured on Tosh.0. Just some stuff that's more portfolio-oriented.

In March of 2010, I was fortunate enough to take a rare business trip to Anaheim, California for the Commodity Classic agricultural trade show. My purpose there was to shoot some video on the floor, at my company's booth, on the convention center campus, and at a panel discussion. The main focus was the panel discussion.

This panel comprised four successful and respected men in the ag and finance fields, including the CEO of the company I work for. We were fortunate enough to get the one and only Max Armstrong to host the panel. The project was to be a series of short online video clips sponsored by Water Street Solutions and the ag media publishing behemoth known as the Farm Progress Companies.

My task was to set up, shoot, edit, produce and post all the clips to a new YouTube account which I had created. So here they are. Surely not very entertaining, but quite informative and valuable to the farmers who attended. Water Street & Farm Progress were happy, so that's good enough for me. I was hoping to do something a but more upbeat, as I'd shot all this B-roll footage, but this is what the clients wanted. Farm Progress posted the videos on several of their web sites, and Water Street included links on its blog page as well.

Aw, hell no.

The movie you've all been waiting for is finally coming! That's right, it's Paranormal Activity 2. (wah wah waaaaaah) Sorry to let you down.


Seriously, though. I can't believe I got a message in my inbox today asking me to DEMAND it. I fell for that marketing ploy once, and I fell hard. I demanded the first Paranormal Activity, and I recruited some of my social networking buds to do the same. Of course, none of the towns I demanded actually made the cut, but my demands helped fuel the nationwide release.


That was some clever marketing on their part. I hadn't seen a social networking/viral kind of campaign like that before. And showing key clips interspersed with audience reactions--genius. I was so pumped to see that damned movie when it came to Peoria, I could hardly contain myself. Then the night came.


I went into the theater and after the commercials, movie trailers, a quick nap and two bathroom breaks the film started. I remember clapping my hands together, rubbing them like a handlebar-mustachioed villain and thinking, here we go! Haha!


And I waited. And waited. Day after day. Night after night. "My keys are on the floor! I didn't leave them there." Are you shitting me? This better get scary pretty soon. Another couple of days go by. Isn't there anyone else in this movie?


Then the actual scares came, but they were so few and far between and already spoiled by the ad campaign, that even as much as I wanted this film to work--after all, I had a vested interest; I had DEMANDED IT--it just didn't do anything other than waste my time and piss me off.


Note to filmmakers: If you only have three or four "scares" in a movie, don't blow your wad on the trailers. It's like seeing a trailer for the Exorcist in which Regan stabs herself in the privates with a crucifix, throws up pea soup on the priest, spins her head all the way round, flashes into a demon, levitates, screams "Nowonmei" and howls in thirty simultaneous voices, tosses around furniture with her mind and impersonates a dead old Jewish lady burning in hell. After people see all that in the trailer, the first 90 minutes of the movie are gonna suck.


Like Jurassic Park 2--the only movie I ever walked out of. "Where the hell are the dinosaurs trashing the city streets? This was supposed to be a movie of dinosaurs running rampant on the public! Screw this."


So, sorry Paranormal Activity 2, but you can count me out. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, it's worth two in the bush. Or something like that.

Vacation photos, Photoshop style

Usually if I post photos you can also find them on my Flickr page, which is a better option for higher quality view or slideshow format.

Anyway, here's a quick look at my family photo album. Usually at some point during a special trip, I'll want to do one good photo of the four of us. Problem is, most people in the world are useless when it comes to digital cameras, so you always end up with a blurry, horrible photo if you hand your camera to a stranger and ask them to take your picture.

"It's the big silver button on top. You have to hold it down halfway, then all the way down when you want to take it. And please use the Rule of Thirds for framing, because I don't want to have to crop this--Aw, forget it. Thanks anyway." Grumble, rumble, gripe.

How to solve the problem? Compositing in Photoshop! So here are a couple of examples, one from Metropolis, Illinois and the other from Six Flags Over Georgia.

The Great Switch-Off?

A recent Reuters article expressed the concern of Comcast and Time Warner that more people are and increasingly will be cutting their cable service in favor of streaming services from Apple, Netflix and others. I don't know about you guys, but I have Netflix and I love it. However, I am not yet even close to going without traditional (does digital now qualify as "traditional"?) cable.

I love having access to the Netflix library and being able to stream all the episodes of Red Dwarf, Doctor Who, South Park or what-have-you, but what about those new episodes of current programs? Not every network is as quick on the draw as CBS, with its next-day posting of a free stream in case I forgot to DVR that episode of Survivor. (Which I did--Wednesdays now? Really?) And let's not forget all that great original Showtime or HBO programming. How else can you access that, if not with cable or satellite?

Besides, my DVR remote works hella better for ffwd & rewind than the stupid Netflix interface-doohickey. And I've never had my Dish tell me my "connection has slowed" and fake like it's trying to let me actually watch the show while I know it's completely bailed on me & I'll have to restart the bleedin' thing.

And isn't TV on iTunes a premium service? Why would anyone pay extra to watch a TV show they've already paid the cable or satellite company for the right to watch? I don't get it. If you want to own it, just wait for the damn DVD. It's a more permanent medium for storage anyway. But that's just what I'd do.

No, despite my love/hate (mostly love) relationship with Netflix, or as it's become affectionately known in our house--"Assglue," I am not yet ready to sever my ties with Dish Network. At least not until the current season of Weeds is over.

A place for my photos

Okay, so if I'm going to make a name for myself in the graphic arts business, I suppose I should show off some of my photography examples. Bear in mind, I've never had an SLR camera at my disposal; always point-and-shoot. Here's a link to my Flickr page, which contains some of the digital photos of which I am most proud.

"Stairway to Hell" -- my final visit

Apparently, demons like to inhabit the bodies of roleplayers because they like to
drink Mountain Dew, eat Doritos and Totino's Party Pizzas, roll funny-shaped
dice and talk in cockney accents. Oh, and they HATE getting laid.

Okay, here we go. This is long overdue. Back into the trenches of paranoia and nonsense. Might wanna roll up your pant legs; it's gonna get pretty deep.

D&D: JUST A GAME? It's supposed to be just a board game, but kids play it for life and death on the street.

Mr. Rick Jones... No, you know what? His real name is probably Richard; I'm just gonna start referring to him as "Dick" from now on. As a matter of fact, he holds so little authority and importance in my life, that I'm not even going to bother capitalizing his name anymore. This author is now just another dick to me.

So this particular dick fills a couple of pages with stories from newspapers (wherein other Satanic Panic spreaders are quoted) about teens who play D&D killing others or themselves. Not DURING A GAME, mind you. Just that they happened to be players. Of course, the one MUST be causing the other. But to this dick it's not a mere story of kids losing touch with reality and playing the game in real life (which, of course, is also bullshit anyway), but here's his explanation:

Through D&D, demons entered his body and drove him to commit the murders. It was Satan's evil demons that were interested in killing those innocent children, not the boy. He was just a human vessel the demons used.

That's the purpose of the 'game.' When a player begins worshiping a new deity (Satan) and asking help of characters in the game (demons), they are doing exactly what Satan worshipers do.

I have to stop here to at least point out an easy-to-spot logical fallacy in all of these so-called "D&D-related murders and suicides." Anyone ever heard of the logical fallacy called questionable cause? It refers to when you have two unrelated happenings and you make the irrational conclusion that one caused the other. Like this: There are six cases of teen homicide or suicide in this folder. Each one of the killers was a known Dungeons and Dragons player. Obviously D&D caused them to behave this way. Case closed.

You know what? I bet they all brushed their teeth at least twice a day, too. Maybe that made them flip out and kill. Oh, you know what? They are all teens, after all; you know how that sex drive can be. I bet masturbation made them go nuts and start killing. Yeah, that could be it, too. Huh? What do you mean those things can't be the cause? Oh, how do I explain all the teenage masturbators with clean oral hygiene who DON'T kill? Well, the same way dick explains all those D&D players who haven't killed. They just haven't gotten around to it yet? It's bullshit, also known as the logical fallacy of questionable cause.

You say you don't think D&D has anything to do with Satan or religion? Then turn to page 25 of the 'Deities & Demigods Instruction Manual' and see what it says. > Surprise D&D player! Guess which deity you are serving? Satan!

Hello? It's called a "ROLE PLAYING" game, dick. It's your CHARACTER'S deity of worship. Use your imagination for something FUN for a change! And besides, I don't recall seeing "Satan" in the manual as a deity to choose from.

I remember talking with a boy who had played D&D for several years. It started as a game, but didn't stay that way for long. To progress in the game, he asked D&D 'creatures' to help him win battles. He had no idea, but those creatures were literal demons. When he asked them to help him, he was inviting demons into his body.

Really? Okay, what game is this kid playing? This is an argument dick uses a few times, about the premise of the game being "asking creatures for help to complete tasks or progress in the game." It's been many years, but I recall that my CHARACTER did most of the task completion either on his own or with the help of other characters. How goddamn BORING would every campaign be if the key to "progressing" was always asking an NPC for help??? These kids they were talking to needed some friends to play with, man.

To find out if D&D used authentic occult materials, the CBN television network assigned an investigator to study the question.

Nothing like an impartial jury, huh?

They concluded that D&D does contain authentic occult materials. Rituals, magic spells, charms, names of demons, etc. were all authentic.

Damn, wish I still had that book. I'd love to cast a few magic missiles at work. Perhaps I could enlist Pazuzu to do some copy editing for me next week. Dick should have done; his copy is ATROCIOUS. Also, tell me one D&D book that came with ANY magic charms, authentic or otherwise. And answer one more question: Why should Gary Gygax INVENT names for demons when there is a centuries-old public domain literary treasure trove of them to rip off?

Many teenagers have committed suicide when their D&D character died. Others have murdered friends, parents and others because they played the 'game.' Rapes, tortures and untold other sick and gruesome crimes have also been linked to D&D.

If they are untold crimes, how can they a) be defined as sick or gruesome, or b) be linked to D&D? And the suicides thing. The CDC, the American Association of Suicidology, and Canadian Center for Health & Welfare have all concluded that there is no causal link between fantasy gaming and suicide. See, they didn't fall into that questionable cause trap.

Okay, I think I've had enough of this drivel. It was fun while it lasted, but now it's just... not.

Logic is fine but hysteria's quicker: "Stairway to Hell" part three

Ooooo! This is some scary stuff! Better go burn my Ozzy CDs.

Evening, folks. I'm going to start tonight with the chapter on drugs. Mr. Jones begins this chapter with an alleged letter from an adult who claimed when he was 18 and tripping balls on LSD, he realized that, "the devil was inside of me and quite systematically taking over control of my will... A voice inside of me kept saying, 'This time I will have you fully!' I was completely terrified... I knew this was Satan."

Jones draws the conclusion: "Many drug abusers hear voices, but most don't know they are the voices of demons."

This poor kid was just having a BAD TRIP! Happens to every LSD user at some point or another. No demons but those of his own invention. But not if you ask Rick Jones, certified expert of... well, nothing really. Contributing to the Satanic Panic of the day, he claims,

"Experts are continually finding drug abuse linked to this growing demonic possession problem."

Ah, that's right. I remember seeing all those high profile DEMONIC POSSESSION cases in the paper that year. It was almost as big an epidemic as all those parents selling their children as homosexual sex slaves for "pot" money. Oh, wait. That was just in his head, too. I keep forgetting that the author continually creates his own facts and, I suspect, his own "experts," much like Mr. Van Impe's "scientists."

"Have you ever wondered why so many teens kill themselves while high on drugs? Now you know. Demons get them high, take control of their bodies, then drive them to kill themselves."

And here I thought it was because being a teenager is a difficult time in life, and some just don't know how to deal with it. Teens are constantly being judged, ordered around, pressured, and scrutinized. This all while they are trying to learn how to function independently in the world. Some turn to drugs, whether for recreation or as an escape from a world they feel is against them. Some of those searching for escape instead find that the world does not improve through drug use. it just gets worse, only now their mind is all screwed up & they can't think straight. Blammo.

And dipshit Jones blames it on song titles without even reading the lyrics or listening to the songs in question. Example:

"Ozzy Osbourne's song, 'Suicide Solution,' was not written by accident. Every word came directly from Ozzy's evil master. (Sharon?) A teenager blew his brains out after continuously listening to Ozzy's dangerously demonic death march. The song was still playing when police found the body."

Then maybe someone should have listened to or read the lyrics before blaming the Ozzman. This song is a cautionary tale of the dangers of The Drink (or as Ozzy will call it in a song many years later, "the Demon Alcohol"). The "solution" is not an answer to a problem, it's a homogenized liquid substance: liquor.

Do a little research before you write such an inflammatory book, for crying out loud. Stupid people are hanging on every word you say as legitimate advice for understanding the dangers faced by their teenage children.

Okay, I'm getting sleepy. I promise I'll get to the D&D chapter very soon. I kinda skipped past it in making a point tonight, but I'll backtrack to it tomorrow. It's too good to leave out. Here's a teaser:
"Literally millions of young people are unknowingly participating in genuine occult practices and opening the doors for demons to enter their bodies through this seemingly innocent game." HA!

See my review concluded here.

Once more into the fray - "Stairway to Hell" part two

"Satan's gonna get you, gonna drag you to hell. Hells Bells" - AC/DC

Among the "epidemic parent-related problems teens are facing today," the wise Mr. Jones lists:

- Children introduced to homosexuality and lesbianism by their parents

- Being forced into prostitution by their parents for the money

- UNTOLD THOUSANDS of youngsters are sold to Satan worship by depraved parents

---------------------------------------------

Yes, folks, this book is chock-a-block full of paranoid, conspiratorial ideas.

Remember how that last one in the list turned out to be almost completely unfounded? How many documented and corroborated instances were there of such activity? As far as those other two, what did this guy do- watch a single episode of 48 Hours or something and declare the investigative cover story AN EPIDEMIC?

Moving on...

-----------------------------------------------------------

If you love rock music, the devil's bloody claws are already firmly wrapped around your neck. Look at these lyrics. The rock stars who sing them are sold-out servants of Satan, preaching to their master.

-----------------------------------------------------------

We are then treated to several excerpts of early 1980s heavy metal songs, many taken completely out of context, to prove the point. Mostly from that horribly Satanic band AC/DC, which we all know stands for "Anti Christ/Devil's Child." HA!

I'll give him one, though. He did throw in a Mercyful Fate song. No secret there about the band's background. Not a record you'll be hearing played at the local daycare, you know. But then he goes on to this little gem: (LOL)

-----------------------------------------------------------

A former rock music worshipper once told me about an Ozzy Osbourne concert he went to. THOUGH HIS MIND WAS SIZZLED ON DRUGS (emphasis added), his heart nearly stopped when he turned around and saw a man wearing a black hooded robe, standing behind the crowd with his arms outstretched. This shocked teen suddenly realized he was in the middle of a Satanic service!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Okay, where is this kid's credibility? We've already established he was completely SIZZLED, so how can we believe what he "saw?" Hell, the dude in the robe was probably twice as fried as our witness. He thought he was LEADING a Satanic service!

My next beef with this chapter is that he actually wastes time discussing backmasking (this one is deliberate) on the Venom album "Welcome to Hell." HELLO? There's plenty of fuel for your argument on that album WITHOUT having to ruin your needle. Try playing the damn thing FORWARD. In his argument he calls Venom a "famous rock band." What a numbskull. I know exactly 4 people who have ever even HEARD of Venom. I am the only one I know who owns any of their albums (first 5 studios and double-live on vinyl, as well as a 12'' single, 33 rpm single and a picture disc, then the most recent 3 on CD - love me some Venom!)

He wraps up the chapter with several stories ("true accounts") of teenagers hacking their families up or committing suicide because they listened to violent, Satanic AC/DC or Iron Maiden songs. Classic Satanic Panic at work. I love this shit. It's like watching Reefer Madness.

Coming up: The chapter on Dungeons & Dragons. Oooooooh. Can't wait. This guy reminds me of that dumb-ass "expert" dude that testified at the WM3 trial. The one who got a mail-order degree. I wonder if the author has any Chick tracts listed in his bibliography?

See my review continued here.

LMAO: "Stairway to Hell" by Rick Jones

Got this book recently for the fun of it. It is just nuts to think that people bought this shit hook, line and sinker in 1988. I'm literally laughing out loud only three pages into the introduction.
----------------------------------
"The real message is heard when that part of the song is played backwards. Here are the devilish lyrics Led Zeppelin has been sneaking into your brain all these years:

'I sing because I live with Satan.
The Lord turns me off.
There's no escaping it.
No other made a path.
Here's to my sweet Satan.
Whose power is Satan.
He will give you 666.
I live for Satan'

Millions are deceived by this song. They don't know that every time they play it, two things are happening:
1. They are listening to servants of Satan pledge their allegiance to their master.
2. Listeners are being programmed to accept Satan as the master and destroyer of their own lives."
--------------------------------------
HAHAHA! The sad thing is, bullshit like this was EVERYWHERE in the mid- to late-'80s. And parents were SCARED. Remember bands on trial? Repressed memories of ritual abuse? Remember the PMRC? This whole stupid-ass "subliminal messages" idea? Incredible. What I want to know is, if we, the kids at that time, knew these nimrods were just spouting cockamamie theories, how the hell were the adults so easily duped?

Of course, we now know that perceived "messages" on records when played in reverse are probably in most cases nothing more than an auditory form of pareidolia, or the same property of the brain that lets us see clear pictures of things in cloud formations. Our minds crave order, like to see patterns in chaos. Even if the patterns aren't really there- we'll unconsciously make leaps and create connections where there are none.

And for those messages which were INTENTIONALLY placed... Who gives a crap? I've yet to see some proof that backs up the fact that behavior alteration is even possible through "subliminal" messages, particularly REVERSED ONES. All I know for sure is that the English language sounds effing creepy when you play it backwards. But is it sinister? No more so than the same thing said forward.

I can't wait to dig into this book some more. I need a good laugh.

By the way, if you're interested, they still sell this book at Chick.com for $10.95, in English or Español.

See my review continued here.

Jack Van Impe is a ruh-TARD

Heavens to Betsy! All three of them!

I was watching the Apprentice on DVR tonight, and when it ended, this ancient, Bible-thumping nitwit came on the television. Here's a direct quote:

"The astronomers now tell us that there are three heavens, and that agrees with the Bible. The first runs 600 miles into space, the second runs 187 trillion billions of miles into space. Unfad'nable! And then there's a third heaven where God rules."

--HUH? First, the atmosphere kinda trails off into space around 300 miles or so above the earth, so I'm not sure where the 600 comes into play. Second, I suppose he's just pulling numbers out of his bum for that second part. Third, just what the hell is, "unfad'nable?" I know the word, "unfathomable," but that isn't what he said. And, fourth, WHAT?? Exactly which, "the astronomers," are they who are now saying "there's a third heaven where God rules???" I must have missed that bit in my college astronomy class.

But there's more:

"Let's talk about that second heaven. Do you know that they now tell us that there are galaxies like our own, into the hundreds of thousands? And they've increased it to a million, and recently to a billion. A billion different galaxies! Each with 200 to 400 million stars. It's unlimited! And our God created it all. And for these people who can think it just happened through (claps) a big bang? ...You ...don't have much of an education."

--HUH? Which is it? Do they "now tell us" a few hundred thousand, a million, or a billion? If it's a billion, then why even mention hundreds of thousands? Say, "they now tell us there are a billion." It's more efficient; you can make your point sooner (or at least attempt to) and then get back to your silent prayer or whatever. As long as it's silent, it will be an improvement.

Also, WHICH IS IT? Is that second layer of space unlimited, as you just said, or is it "187 trillion billions of miles?" It can't be both! Or perhaps because it's so unfad'nable, it just SEEMS unlimited to your level of comprehension.

Additionally, I don't think anyone could argue against the thought that *technically* the Big Bang and a divine creator are not mutually exclusive. Even Stephen Hawking has said (or typed, as it were. INDICATED, anyway) that his belief in the Big Bang does not mean he doesn't believe in God. He could have been the one to cause the Big Bang, after all. (God, not Hawking.)

Finally, you should have seen the look in this guy's eyes when he said, "you... don't have much of an education." It even looked like he was going to swear during that stutter-pause: "You... gotta be effin' kidding me." Ooooh, was he heated up. Hee hee.

I've never seen this douche before, but I know he's been around quite a long time. I'm sure he could provide ammunition against himself like this all day long. He makes Pat Robertson look like Dan Rather. To quote a wise prophet named Bugs Bunny: "What a maroon!"

15 movies that I'll never forget

The challenge given to me (via Facebook):

Don't take too long to think about it. Quickly list 15 movies you've seen that will always stick with you. Take no more than 15 to 20 minutes.

My results:

1. Man Bites Dog - Black & white independent film from Belgium. Disturbing faux documentary in which a camera crew films the exploits of a psychopathic serial killer, then gets more involved than they originally planned.
2. Anguish - Spanish writer/director Bigas Luna's horror film with some really great gimmicks. Firstly, there's the intensely hypnotic scenes of terror. Then, there's the realization about halfway through that you are actually watching a movie of a terrified girl in a theater watching the movie you've been watching. The end doesn't quite live up to the initial setup, but it's definitely worth checking out.
3. Rosemary's Baby - Deceptively friendly old codgers dupe an innocent young woman into carrying the offspring of Satan himself. "Hail Hellfire! Hail Satan!" Awesome.
4. Death Italian Style - DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE, if you are unfortunate enough to find it. I don't even think it's listed on IMDB, it's that independent... or just that bad. It is truly torturous. Thanks a million, Mike.
5. Kingpin - Farrelly brothers' funny-as-hell comedy with Randy Quaid as an Amish bowling star and Woody Harrelson in his funniest performance ever, as pitiful has-been bowling champion Roy Munson.
6. A Clockwork Orange - Incredibly true to the book by Anthony Burgess, one of my absolute favorite repeat reads. Malcolm McDowell at his best.
7. Pink Flamingos - Divine. John Waters. Repulsive, vomit-inducing human tricks. "Is that the egg man?"
8. Hellraiser - Those Cenobites were soooo freakin' cool the first time you saw them. When this movie came out, there was nothing like it. Most of the sequels, though each contained at least a few kickass & memorable scenes, fell pretty flat compared to the original.
9. Blake Edwards' S.O.B. - Mary Poppins' boobies! 'Nuff said.
10. The Haunting - Original 1963 version, not that crap-ridden remake. Remember when a movie could pull off a scare without gore? This movie is all atmosphere and very little special effects. The meager $1 million budget wouldn't allow it. A breathing door. That's about it. Great movie for those who don't want their scares spoon-fed. You have to invest in the movie and go along for the ride.
11. Fritz The Cat - My first exposure to the X-rated cartoon world. I must have been about 14. Though extremely dated, it's deplorable, offensive, deviant, violent, vulgar and absolutely brilliant! A side of Ralph Bakshi I was delighted to discover. Skip the sequel, though.
12. Brokeback Mountain - Hey, screw you. It was a good movie. And memorable. That's what we're shooting for here.
13. Trick or Treat - Skippy from "Family Ties" is a nerdy metalhead who unwittingly raises a demonic rock star from the dead to terrorize first his high school tormentors, then the world. Cheesy as hell, but I loved it when I was in high school. Killer, must-own soundtrack by Fastway.
14. E.T. - I remember everything about this movie. It was the longest line I ever stood in to go to the movies with my family as a kid. It was at the Orpheum Theater in Galesburg. I laughed, I cried, I fell in love with Drew Barrymore... If you never liked E.T., your heart is black and dead.
15. The Blair Witch Project - Once again, screw you. A buddy of mine somehow got hold of a bootleg tape of this movie before it even hit theaters. None of us had even seen so much as a trailer for it yet. We had a viewing party at another friend's house and I gotta say, the bootleg tape factor really helped contribute to the atmosphere of the night. I was genuinely a bit creeped out. I don't care what anyone says, I think it was clever. There wasn't really anything like it done before.

So there ya go. I could give more. These are by no means my favorite 15 movies, just the 15 ones that made a real impression on me and came to mind first. Though some of them would populate that list as well. And, yes, I cheated a bit on the time part. The list itself came easily, and then after going back and adding descriptions & such, it ended up being more like 30 minutes.

A sad day :(

 

Say what you want about him; perhaps in his latter years he turned into a piece of shit, perhaps not. Either way, he definitely made some bad decisions. But he was also an INCREDIBLE entertainer. It saddens me that a childhood hero of mine has passed at such a young age without being even slightly vindicated in the world's eyes. Talk about a fall from grace. I talked my share of smack, but I'll truly miss u, Michael.

Another great one bites the dust

Naughty, buxom, supersexy post-WWII pinup girl & stag film star Bettie Page has died. She definitely left a legacy behind her. The woman is a legend. Man, imagine all the monkeys that have been spanked to her iconic images over the last 60 years... She definitely did her part to usher in the sexual revolution.

R.I.P. Bettie Page. Your body has passed, but the fantasy of your flesh lives on, forever young.

A couple of things are on my mind this morning

Okay, first off: did you know Dec 7-13 is National Handwashing Awareness Week? Please observe and teach your children proper handwashing techniques. What? Soap and water? Hell no, it's not that simple! Listen, you've got to count to twenty, scrub under your nails... It's a very complicated affair. Aw, fer cryin' out loud, just let Henry the Hand explain it!

Now, on to a movie review; something new for me. I rented and watched The Dark Knight last night... What's the big deal about this movie? Maybe I was expecting too much, but I thought it was too long, choppy in places with plot holes, and just overall a fairly good movie, but nowhere near as good as Batman Begins or even the original Batman.

For instance, how the hell did the Joker get out of police custody? He was in the interrogation cell with that cop, who was about to beat the crap out of him, then suddenly he was out of the cell with a knife to the guy's throat. What happened in between seems pretty important to me.

And way before that, there was the first scene when Joker was telling his scar story. He's got a knife to someone's mouth and just as he's about to cut, he drops the body instead. And the guy's already dead. Seems like there was a scene cut there or something, perhaps to attain a PG13? I thought the DVD had skipped, except I didn't get my usual "SKIPPING OVER DAMAGED AREA" notice on the MacBook screen.

Now, my first example I can explain away as having to do with Ledger's death. Perhaps they just hadn't gotten around to finishing that scene. I suppose a little choppiness is to be expected, and thus is forgiveable. To a point.

However, the second scene could have been done as a closeup gross-out scene. That would undoubtedly have pushed it to an R rating, but I think the film suffered for its exclusion. There's all this tension built up in that scene, and then it just falls flat, literally, without that explosive release. What a letdown.

And Joker escapes time and again from the clutches of the Bat and police. How did he get out of Wayne's fundraiser? We don't know. The list goes on.

Let's not forget the death of Harvey Dent. I just don't understand the idea of introducing a kickass character like that and offing him in the same movie. For me, this was like the premature demise of the most kickass Sith Lord ever, Darth Maul. I wanted to see that sumbitch wipe the floor with Jedis for another two movies. It's such an anticlimax to see a seriously evil dude get killed so soon. I'd hoped they were setting up Two-Face to be a key player in the next film.

How the hell does Batman fly... sorry, "glide" like that? Was it in the other movie & I just don't remember it? Was the movie too dark to see it?

And apparently, placing some kind of a super-strong bat-cable across the road in front of an oncoming semi trailer is enough to transfer its forward momentum into enough upward momentum to flip it end-over end! WTF?!?! Those damn movie physics...

Rant, rant, rant. Sorry. I know, I know. I expect too much. But, just like I enjoy a kung fu movie as long as there's no wire work, I like a good action shoot 'em up, as long as there is some grounding in basic reality, like the laws of physics (gravity, momentum, space-time continuum). Even for a comic book movie. When you do more than bend one of these laws for effect, you're now making a science fiction movie, and the suspension of that law should be the latest plot point. Batman should have stood there and said, "Holy shit. That semi just flipped over. That was weird. I just hoped to slow it down, but that just plain shouldn't have happened. At all. Not on this planet, anyway." Then he'd realize he was levitating three feet off the ground.

But I digress. My review: Maybe rent it if you haven't seen it. But don't buy it. If you have seen it, watch Batman Begins again instead. Or American Psycho for an even better Christian Bale movie. And one more thing. To the Academy: Please don't give Ledger a silly posthumous Oscar. His performance was good, but not Oscar-worthy.

But these are just my opinions. Have a great Christmas everyone.

Happenin's

Hooray for me! I just successfully installed my first wireless router. My new home is finally wireless, at least for Internet purposes. Too bad I had to discover a leaky roof today as well. DAMN YOU, GUSTAV! Oh well, at least this way I know about it and can get it fixed.

Man, home is startin' to come together: wireless web surfing from any location, the kids have a playroom in the basement that can keep them out of our hair when we need alone time, DVRs connected to every TV... I watched Metalocalypse in the kitchen today while I cooked lunch, fer cryin' out loud! How cool is that?

Now, to finish unpacking the rest of these damned boxes...

Cleanliness is next to godliness

My wife, Heather, called me at work today and said, "I'm at Target and this monk just walked in." Of course I asked her how the rest of the joke went; was he was alone, or did a priest and rabbi walk in with him?

I also asked if he was carrying around a wooden plank, and if so, how was he pushing his shopping cart. (pie jesu domine, dona eis requiem -SMACK-)

We determined on the phone that it was a legit monk and not a dude in a Ruby's Halloween costume, though we decided he could just as easily have been a friar because we don't know the difference. They seem to have the same uniform.

Then we wondered what exactly a monk would buy at Target, so she kept an eye out for him or followed him around or something. I don't know. We joked about the things he could buy that would be most entertaining, condoms being on the top of the list. Also, sneakers, sandals, razors, rope, a bell, a bookmark, candles, you get the idea.

How does a monk get to Target, anyway? Is there a monastery anywhere near Peoria? I pictured him thumbing a lift from some Amish folk in a wagon. LOL.

Heather called me back after a bit. "A mop, a toilet brush, and Pine-Sol." Well, whaddaya know. They have indoor plumbing at the dirty monkery.

Summer vacation 2008, part 5

Thursday:

We waken around 7:00 and all get up and dressed. We begin gathering our stuff and I go grab the van so we can hop right in after breakfast. All five of us go to the dining room and have some grub. After breakfast, Ashley, Calliope, Brandon & I hit the miniature golf course while Heather goes to get her fired pottery. Brandon whoops me at mini golf.

After the game, everyone piles into the van & it's off to Swansea. A couple hours later, we're at Heather's parents' house & trading vans again so we can take our newly repaired van home. Of course, though, it doesn't start. I stick the battery on the charger for 90 minutes or so, and we eventually get it started. Heather takes the van to NTB and replaces the battery. Then, we have dinner at Outback with Sharon & the little kids beg to stay a couple more days.

We go along with it and leave Ash & Calliope there with Nana. After a brief trip to the newest metro east Target store, in Swansea, Brandon, Heather & I head home. We finally arrive around 10:30pm and head STRAIGHT to bed. Exhausted!